Have you ever felt like your voice wasn’t heard during a meeting, or perhaps you held back your thoughts for fear of conflict?
You’re not alone.
Many experience this hallmark of passive communication.
The passive style often flies under the radar, it’s a voice that’s frequently unheard, an opinion unexpressed, needs unmet, etc. Passive communicators are sometimes called submissive or “people-pleasers” because of their tendencies to avoid conflict and prioritize others’ needs over their own.
What is passive communication?
Passive communicators often find it difficult to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, especially if there’s a risk of disagreement or confrontation. They tend to defer to others, go along with the consensus even if they internally disagree, and may struggle to advocate for themselves.
This isn’t necessarily because they don’t have opinions or ideas—often, they do—but a fear of conflict, a desire to be liked, or a lack of self-confidence holds them back. The core of passive communication is often an attempt to avoid discomfort, but ironically, it can lead to significant internal frustration and resentment over time.
It’s common, and many people unknowingly adopt this style, believing it to be a form of maintaining peace.
Signs of a passive communicator
Identifying passive communication involves observing a pattern of behaviors and cues.
Here are some common signs:
- Difficulty expressing needs and opinions: They often avoid stating what they truly want or think.
- Avoiding conflict at all costs: They will go to great lengths to prevent disagreements, even if it means sacrificing their own interests.
- Trouble saying “No”: They may agree to tasks even when they are overloaded or uncomfortable doing so, struggling to set boundaries.
- Letting others lead: They tend to step back and allow more assertive or aggressive individuals to take control.
- Quiet or apologetic tone: Their voice may be soft, and they might use qualifying language (e.g., “It’s only my opinion, but…”) or apologize unnecessarily.
- Poor eye contact and submissive body language: They might avoid eye contact, slouch, or exhibit nervous gestures.
- Downplaying achievements: They may minimize their contributions or successes.
- Internalizing frustration: Instead of expressing dissatisfaction, they may bottle it up, leading to resentment.
- Hesitancy in initiating conversations: They may wait for others to start discussions, especially if it involves asking for help or expressing a need.
Moving from passive to assertive communication style
Dealing with passive communication requires a nuanced approach, whether you’re the one exhibiting the behavior or on the receiving end.
Recognize passive tendencies in yourself:
- Value your contributions: Recognize that your thoughts, ideas, and needs are as valid as anyone else’s, have confidence in your lived experiences.
- Learn to say “No” respectfully: It’s okay to decline requests. Practice saying “no” clearly and politely, without excessive apologies.
- Use “I” statements: Express your feelings and needs with “I” statements: “I feel concerned about this deadline,” or “I would prefer this approach”.
- Start small: If directness feels daunting, begin by expressing your opinion in low-stakes situations and gradually work your way up.
- Seek win-win solutions: While you might be good at compromise, look for solutions where everyone’s needs are considered.
- Practice confident body language: Make eye contact, maintain an open posture, and speak in a clear, audible voice.
- Understand your boundaries: Identify what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and communicate these boundaries.
- Self-reflection and professional support: Understanding the roots of passive communication can be helpful. Coaching can provide tools and support to build assertiveness and address underlying issues like low self-esteem.
Coping with passive communicators:
- Ask for their opinion: Create opportunities for them to share their thoughts. For example, “Sarah, I’d be interested to hear your perspective on this.”
- Provide time and space: Allow them the time they need to formulate and express their views.
- Validate their contributions: When they share, acknowledge their input and show that it’s valued. Avoid dismissing their ideas.
- Maintain a positive and non-confrontational tone: A calm, encouraging approach can help them feel safer to speak up. Anger or confrontation will likely cause them to withdraw further.
- Use open-ended questions: Asking open ended questions allows them to think before answering.
The impact of passive communication
The effects of passive communication extend beyond individual interactions, influencing personal well-being, team dynamics, and the overall organizational culture.
Impact on the individual exhibiting the behavior:
- Unmet needs and resentment: Consistently suppressing one’s own needs and feelings can lead to a buildup of frustration and resentment.
- Feeling powerless and overlooked: Individuals may feel that their contributions are not valued or they have no control over their circumstances.
- Missed opportunities: Reluctance to speak up can mean missing out on chances for growth, leadership, or recognition.
- Increased stress and burnout: Taking on too much due to an inability to say “no” can lead to significant stress, and burnout.
- Eroded self-esteem: Continuously devaluing one’s own opinions can negatively impact self-confidence.
Impact on the Team:
- Valuable ideas unheard: The team may miss out on innovative solutions because passive members don’t share them.
- Misunderstandings and inefficiency: Lack of clarity and unexpressed concerns can lead to errors, delays, and reduced productivity.
- Poor teamwork and collaboration: Unaddressed conflicts and a lack of open dialogue can hinder effective teamwork.
- Unresolved conflicts: Issues may simmer beneath the surface, creating tension and a potentially toxic environment.
- Reduced trust: Over time, the lack of open expression can erode trust among team members.
Impact on Workplace Culture:
- Stifled innovation: A culture where people are hesitant to share new ideas can limit creativity and growth.
- Increased workplace tension: Unspoken frustrations can contribute to a tense atmosphere.
- Lower productivity: When critical feedback is withheld and issues aren’t addressed promptly, overall productivity can suffer.
- Missed leadership potential: Employees who don’t advocate for themselves may be overlooked for leadership roles, even if they are capable.
Seeking support
Moving away from passive communication towards a more assertive style is a journey that benefits everyone. It empowers individuals to advocate for themselves respectfully, enriches team collaboration with diverse perspectives, and helps build a more open, innovative, and productive workplace culture.
Passive communication is a significant barrier to a healthy, productive, and positive workplace. Recognizing its signs, understanding its impact, and actively working towards more assertive communication styles are crucial steps for both individuals and organizations aiming to foster a culture of trust and respect.
If you’re recognizing these communication character in yourself, you can make life easier. Practicing more assertive communication skills takes time, but working with a coach can make it faster and easier.
