How family influence our career path for the better

As we dig deeper into motivation, we come back to how we grew up and the influence our family and upbringing has on our career path. We cannot change our past, but we can become more informed to be more intentional about our future.

Ever heard the lie, “Self-made…” There’s no one that is ever self-made, the notion of it egocentric and inaccurate because we have people around us that influence who we are and how we interact with the world. We are constantly being influenced by one another, and we are constantly influencing others. Now, the big question is do we know how it’s impacted us?

Take for example, we like to think of our career as a path we forge ourselves. We choose the major, we apply for the jobs, we negotiate the salary. It feels like a series of personal, independent decisions. But what if I told you that you’ve been carrying an invisible pattern your whole life rooted in your past?

Within these patterns are all the beliefs, expectations, and unspoken rules you learned about work, money, and success from the first company you were ever a part of: your family. These lessons, learned around the dinner table and through casual observations, are so deeply ingrained that we often don’t even realize they’re there.

They quietly influence our biggest career decisions, from our tolerance for risk to our definition of a “good job.”

Couple of years ago, a client was struggling to negotiate a higher salary for themselves, were stuck in the same range making about $60k per year for over five years, yet they received certifications, credentials, mentor in professional associations, and even helped their mentees get higher salaries. But they couldn’t break free to get what their market value, which is nearly double their current salary. In their frustration, they called me and we discovered they were afraid and in disbelief that at the age when their parents got married, my client could be making the salary of the entire family when their parents retired. This disbelief kept them from asking for their true value and they kept low-balling their own offer to get a role, where they were overqualified. The conversation ended in tears and the next day they received an offer for $110k, and asked for $130k and got it!

This isn’t about shifting blame to how you grew up or your career frustrations, it’s about building your awareness and what’s capable.

We can only achieve to the belief we have in ourselves – Self-efficacy.

When you invest time in understanding how the invisible patterns influence you, you become more cognizant and can start breaking patterns that hold you from better and bigger goals. You can consciously decide what’s worth keeping and what’s just weighing you down. You can finally start building a career that is authentically yours.

Here are four of the most powerful ways your family background is shaping your career drive right now.

Financial tolerance

The client example above was an example of financial tolerance – how much we make and how much we’re willing to take risk comes from how we grew up and the exposures to money we experienced in our upbringing.

Take a moment and think about how money was talked about (or not talked about) in your house growing up.

Was it a source of stress and anxiety?

Was there a sense of stability and security?

This early experience sets your “financial thermostat” and deeply impacts your career choices. It’s hard to belief that conversations around your home when you were young could have such a profound impact on your financial outlook, yet it does and it’s often forgotten that our past shape who we are.

No self-made person did it by themselves and you’re not special in that regard.

If you grew up with financial insecurity: You might see patterns to prioritize stability above all else. The idea of a steady paycheck, good benefits, and a secure job can feel like the ultimate prize. You might be hesitant to take risks, like starting your own business or joining a startup, because your internal alarm system is wired to avoid instability.
If you grew up with financial security: You might have a higher tolerance for risk. The idea of taking a lower-paying job you’re passionate about or taking a chance on a new venture might seem exciting rather than terrifying, because you have a built-in belief that things will work out.

For me, I graduated during the great recession, everywhere around me people were losing their jobs when I was trying to get into the professional world. This caused great headache, but I learned from a young age that there is always an opportunity out there, if you can adapt to the situation. For example, my parents worked 2-3 jobs each to make it work for my siblings and I. I know that hard work and dedication will always persevere, and that’s exactly what happened – I found a role outside of my comfort zone and continue building my career. Shortly after, I started helping clients see opportunities where they weren’t ready to see.

Growing up in a financially secure or insecure environment isn’t right or wrong – it’s just a part of your programming. It’s what makes you uniquely you. I’ve worked with clients who’s parents were multi-millionaires but they grew up with financial insecurity, and clients who grew up on social assistance but they are financially secure. It’s not about how much or little you had, it’s about how your household spoke about money.

Now, I encourage you to return to your parents and ask them and share your recollection of the money conversation. How was it for you? Starting to bridge the conversation now will help develop your resilience and connect you to your parents on a conversation that most people don’t have.

Success Blueprint

Ever get the message, “you need to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer…”

No? I did – all immigrant family want the best for their kids and that looked like getting highly regarded positions and higher salary.

Even if you didn’t get the message and black and white like me, you likely received a family expectation blueprint – an unspoken definition of what a respectable, successful career looks like.

For some families, success means a prestigious title: doctor, lawyer, engineer. For others, it might mean entrepreneurship and building something of your own. For others still, it could mean a stable government job or a career dedicated to service.

Why certain family legacy have doctors in their family, or engineers, or business owners, etc.? That’s because of the success blueprint – from an young age we’ve been honed to be attracted to certain roles over others because the community, family, we grew up around had an over exposure to certain job title/function.

We internalize this blueprint from a young age. It shapes our ambitions and becomes the measuring stick against which we judge our own achievements. This can be a powerful motivator if your personal passions align with your family’s blueprint.

But if they don’t, it can create a significant internal conflict. You might achieve success by society’s standards but still feel like a failure because you haven’t met the specific expectations packed in your invisible patterns.

A client struggled to find an engineering role, they were good at math and their family, school, and community told them they should be an engineer if they were good at math. Fast forward 6 years, they graduated with a BS in Engineering and was contemplating continuing their education because they didn’t enjoy engineering – they were more interested in mathematic models and risk analysis, something you get to do sometimes when you’re an engineer, but not as often as they would like. So, during an early conversation, I mentioned if they thought about becoming and actuary or doing financial engineering. I saw deer in the headlights – stumbling – they mentioned what are those? After sharing that they mostly focus on math and modeling, nearly 60% of the job – they started crying. They felt relieved to know that there was another option beyond engineering where their passion could align with their career. Although relieved, they struggled to convince their parents and family that it was the right thing to do – but once educated about the opportunities, they didn’t know about they were on board.

Changing the family blueprint of what it means to be successful.

Communication patterns

We learn how to speak, how to share, how to laugh, and how to process emotions from our parents and family. That is our first environment where we can test ourselves and develop a sense of self, sense of independence. That is also where we learn about communication.

Let’s start with how did your family handle disagreements?

Were there disagreements? Was it passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive, or assertive?

Were there loud, passionate debates around the dinner table?

Was conflict something to be avoided at all costs, with tension simmering under the surface?

Or was it dealt with through calm, direct conversation?

Your communication developed within your family unit and environment will become a default style while you’re at work.

If you grew up with open debate: You might be comfortable challenging ideas in meetings and see conflict as a healthy part of finding the best solution. You’re more assertive, or could be more aggressive as you express yourself. Assertive is healthy, aggressive is harmful.
If you grew up avoiding conflict: You might be a fantastic team player who fosters harmony, but you may also shy away from giving necessary critical feedback or advocating for your own ideas if it means rocking the boat. You become passive or passive-aggressive which can be unhealthy in the long-term.

No matter where you are and the communication patterns you’ve developed from your family, it’s important to recognize that some are healthy some are unhealthy and it’s your job to appreciate what you received and work towards bettering yourself, for you and your future.

Understanding your “communication code” is key to becoming a more effective colleague and leader. It helps you see why you might be struggling in a work culture that has a completely different style than the one you learned at home.

Work ethics

Think about how your parents or guardians talked about their jobs.

Did they come home energized and full of interesting stories?

Or did they come home drained, complaining about their boss and counting down the days until retirement?

The stories we hear about work shape our fundamental relationship with it. If work was consistently framed as a necessary evil, a soul-crushing burden you have to endure to pay the bills, you might subconsciously carry that belief into your own career. You might find it hard to find joy and purpose in your work because you’ve been taught that work isn’t supposed to be enjoyable.

Conversely, if work was framed as a place for challenge, growth, and contribution, you’re more likely to seek out those qualities in your own career.

Again, another family pattern that is passed down from generation to generation. As we continue without examining these patterns, we might be doomed to repeat the hardship of our family. BUT, but knowing more about ourselves and how we’ve come to become who we are, you can leverage that insight into creating something better for yourself.

Unlock your barriers

Now, the four aspects are the surface of how our family, childhood, and environment shaped us to be the person we are – there isn’t a right and wrong, there is the past and what we can do about it now. Particularly, in Career counseling sessions we dive deeper into how your professional identity was shaped and how you can support your growth and create better decisions that leads you to healthier and more aligned career goals.

Meanwhile, start by gaining this awareness, the most crucial step.

You can point fingers and blame all you want, but that won’t change the past. What will help you heal, recover, appreciate is to understand that your family patterns lives within your values, hopes and dreams, beliefs, etc.

So, let’s focus on rewiring your professional influences to help you unlock those barriers:

Identify your blueprint: Take 15 minutes and journal about what were the messages you received about money, success, and work growing up? Just get it all down on paper without judgment. Not only the thoughts, but capture the salient moments and emotions you felt. For example, ask yourself when was the first time you recognized a conversation about money, how was the conversation, how did you feel when you heard it, how old were you, etc. the more detail you can unearth in your blueprint, the greater your insight.
Keep and let go: Go back to your blueprint and start reviewing them – don’t do it on the same day. Give yourself 1-2 days to see if your journaling awakens past memories before you start this stage. Sometimes, repressed memories or experiences can come up that can shed light into our experiences. Look at your list. Which of these beliefs are still serving you? Maybe your family’s work ethic is a huge asset. Great, keep it! Which beliefs are holding you back? Maybe their definition of success is making you miserable. It’s time to consciously thank that belief for getting you this far and decide to let it go. You don’t have the own the patterns that no longer work for you, you don’t need to be burdened by what doesn’t align with you.
Find new models: Once you’ve identified what you want to keep and what you’ll let go, seek our new patterns/models that you’d like to try on. Like an outfit – you don’t need to commit to a single model on your first try – focus on which values bring you balance, not anxious or depressed, but just fits. If it works, create it and find role models that exemplify those patterns. Seeking out relationships (professional, romantic, personal, familial) are all part of engaging with your core beliefs and surrounding yourself with other that reinforce you. Observe how they operate – learning is easier when you can see it in action.

Support is available

Most people don’t start this journey until they are well into their careers and start suffering from mid-life crisis because they’ve been operating on autopilot for so long without recognizing they haven’t been happy or engaged in their career. And that is okay – we all get to a stage in life when we question our career path and direction. This is healthy.

Unpacking your familial patterns is some of the most important work you can do for your career, and your personal life. But it can be incredibly challenging to do it by yourself because you might fall into the trap of asking and answering the same questions. It’s tough to see and confront ourselves from within because our psyche doesn’t want to know – because that is active effort and engagement that can cause trauma to resurface.

This is where a career counselor can be an invaluable partner. A career counselor, has a background in counseling, who can support the tough questions and help manage the conversation so it’s not harmful, but more investigative. They can create a supportive space to:

Help you identify the core beliefs you’ve been carrying without judgment.
Challenge the assumptions that are holding you back.
Help you define what success and fulfillment look like for you, separate from external expectations.
Hold you accountable as you start making choices based on your own authentic blueprint.

If you’re ready to set down the weight of old expectations and build a career that truly fits who you are today, let’s talk. Book a free, no-strings-attached call today to see how we can repack your backpack for the journey ahead.

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